Jeeze-Louise – that was just about the scariest thing I have ever done!

I’d just made a delicious avo sandwich and was about to tuck into lunch when a big male baboon slipped in through a window into my upstairs room where I had just sat down. I jumped up and started shouting at him get ‘get out!’ which only made him move at twice the speed downstairs and straight into the kitchen.

I bolted down the stairs behind him, all the while screaming at the top of my voice “get out!” (just so you know – that doesn’t work for shit). On my kitchen counter I had a plastic bowl with fruit / veg leftovers due to be recycled into the garden. The baboon managed to peel & eat my three ‘good’ bananas and was already tucking into the fruit / veg matter by the time I got downstairs, which was all of 1.5 seconds later.

I picked up the kati and waved it at him all the while screaming and hoping to intimidate him with my ‘weapon’ knowing full well that the males dont think any woman of any species to be threatening. (And all the while I’m thinking – Don’t be scared – they can smell your fear!!! Shit! Shit! Shit!)

Not quite sure what to do next, I ran to the lounge, opened the big doors to the back garden; ran back at the baboon and grabbed the plastic bowl with the fruit / veg stuff away from him and ran back through the lounge and chucked it outside – *hoping* that he would follow the food and get out.

*Obviously* he didn’t and all I managed to accomplish with my shouting and taking away his food-prize was to annoy the crap out of him. I know this because he started baring his big yellow fangs at me, making horrible noises, dancing all over my kitchen counters, climbing onto my fridge. So I sucked up all the courage I could muster and went at him again with everything I had (which really was still just the screaming and a useless kati!) But this time he was so anxious to get to my food he managed to rip my kitchen cupboard door clean off, he grabbed a bag of cerial and somehow in the middle of all that I managed to get him into the garage through the door at the kitchen.

Of coure I immediately realised that I had him trapped in the garage with no way out and all the while he’s pulling at the door to open it while I’m holding on to keep it closed. And I’m thinking: OK! Now what??

I decided I needed a bigger weapon, so I quietly let the door go, ran like all hell into the spare room and I grabbed a bar stool and flew back into the kitchen (he was already out the garage!) and went for him again. And of course the ENTIRE time I am screaming at the top of my lungs for him to “GET OUT!”

Somewhere here (I don’t even know how), I managed to get behind him with my bar stool-weapon and the chase was on again. Instead of going out the door that I had opened for him (dumb-ass), he legged it (along with my muesli) through the house – up the stairs – out the window and onto my deck. I quickly closed the windows upstairs, bolted back downstairs to close up the door I’d left open – by which point the rest of the ‘smaller’ baboons had turned up, but were luckily preoccupied with the fruit / veg stuff I had alreay chucked into the garden. I dont think I could have dealt with a whole troupe in my kitchen!

The next 5 mins saw me doing laps around the house repeatedly checking doors and windows until I had convinced myself he couldn’t get back in.

Through all this commotion – he had no time to get to any of my other food and in fact had no time at all to make a mess – because really – I hate losing my food to baboons and even more than that I hate cleaning up after them.

A bit harrowing, but at least it was shopping trip and clean up session avoided.

PS: I broke a nail in this drama = so not completely unscathed.